Automatic FAIL

Want to lose an argument with a linguist? Here's some help, garnered from actual internet discussions:

"It's not a dialect difference. It's just wrong."

"Why can't people just pronounce it the way it's spelled?"

"Well, I've never heard anyone say that, so it's wrong."

"That's not what the dictionary says."

"That's not what my middle school English teacher said."

"People like YOU are the reason the English language is deteriorating."

"If it were anyone else, it might be dialect, but because I believe this person is stupid, it's just because they're stupid."

"That's not your dialect. You're just lazy."

Use of any of the above lines of reasoning is grounds for automatic FAIL. Using one of them seriously is grounds for a beat-down.

I shouldn't have to write this letter

Dear street guy,

No matter how not-drunk you are, no matter if you have kids my age, no matter how nice and sane and reasonable you seem to be, and no matter how much you like my haircut, running your hand through my hair without asking me is not acceptable. Ever.

Ew. I cannot take enough showers.

Most sincerely,
Me.

Dear Joe the Stalker,

Hi. It's me, the woman from Big Name Copy Store. Remember, the one you tried to walk home from work that one night, the one you kept staring at while she was working, the one whose manager told you, in essence, to perform physically impossible acts on yourself? The one who was enjoying her time at the library when you turned up?

I'm not screwing around any more. The police have your name and description, and buddy, they're on my side. And they are bigger and stronger than you.

Creep.

In closing, please go stick your bits in a clamp.

Absolutely no love under any circumstances, you perv,

Me

Wanted: one clue-by-four

Here's a conversation I don't want to have again.

Me: "I need to schedule an appointment."
Doc: "Leave me a voicemail and I'll call you back."
Me: "I don't have a phone where you can call me back."
Doc: "I need a phone number where I can contact you."
Me: "...I wish I had one. Still can't help you."

Two days later...

Me: "I need to schedule an appointment with Doc."
Receptionist: "You need to leave a voicemail."
Me: "I can leave a voicemail, but Doc won't be able to call me back."
Receptionist: "Try us again in two hours."

Two hours later...

Receptionist: "Doc left me some possible appointment times."
Me: "I'll take the one that's not before dawn."
Receptionist: "Great. I'll let Doc know. I'll call you if there's a problem."
Me: "O...kay?"

One week later...

Receptionist: "There was a problem and we couldn't reach you. You need to reschedule."
Me: "How will we do that?"
Receptionist: "Leave Doc a voicemail, and you'll get a call back."
Me: "..."
Receptionist: "...Oh."
Me: "Can Doc send me an email?"
Receptionist: "Oh, no, the doctors can't do that. Privacy blah blah blah."
Me: "Well, how else is this going to work?"
Receptionist: "I... don't know. I guess I can take your email."

Two days later...

Doc (email): "I don't usually do email. Call my office for an appointment. I really need a contact number for you."
Me: "...Would you like to buy me a phone?"